Never Prepared To Say Goodbye

I treasure every possible moment I can spend with my stepchildren. Even if it was the car ride to practice or just chilling out at home. My youngest stepdaughter came for spring break last week. The anticipation of her arrival was more than I could take. When she finally got here, it was like my heart was full again. The only thing that would have made it better was if her older sister could have come also. (Her grandmothers took her to Vegas for her 18th birthday.) I would move Heaven and Earth for these girls if I could. For a week, we were almost inseparable. When I found out she was leaving a day earlier than expected, it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I have already come to hate Sundays when she would leave us every other weekend, but knowing I would not be able to see her for 8 weeks made the Saturday departure that much harder to accept. It took a while for the tears to stop flowing uncontrollably. I don't think I will ever learn how to deal with the sadness I feel when she is not here. It is almost as hard as the sadness I feel when I think about how much I wish I had a stronger relationship with her older sister and the rejection I would feel each time I would try. So, for the next 8 weeks, I will have to put the hurt aside and think about the good times we will have in June at my oldest stepdaughter's graduation.

Unexpected Moments

The first summer the girls stayed with us, I had only been seeing Gary for 6 months. Bailey's teacher told her parents that she needed to improve her reading skills over the summer in order to keep up with the class. My husband does not have the patience, nor the passion for reading as I do. So, he asked me to help her to learn how to read. I borrowed my sister's hooked on phonics program and braced myself for a long summer, because let's face it, what kid really wants to read over summer vacation! (I loved to when I was a kid, but I think I am in the minority) We both shed tears that summer. She cried every night at 8pm when I made her stop playing outside to come in and read. I feared every night that she would hate me for the rest of her life.

After we moved to Michigan, I took Bailey to the library regularly. One day she mentioned that summer with the hooked on phonics, but in a way that caught me completely off guard. She said, "Remember that summer in Indiana when you helped me learn to read. I loved reading that summer!" She said it with such an excited and happy tone of voice that I knew she truly looked back at it as a positive time in her life. It took me a few minutes to recover from my bewilderment. When I did, a wave of joy came over me that I had never experienced before. That was one of my favorite stepmother moments, making the top ten moments of my life.

My Bailey

All you Twihard fans will understand this reference. You know how Bella had her Jacob and Sam's Jacob? I know Bailey as My Bailey, but I have seen her alter ego, and it's usually completely different. I have trememdous respect for how Bailey has adapted to a child of divorced parents. I know it hasn't been easy, and it the decisions only get harder as she gets older. From the day we met, we established some ground rules. No name calling, put downs, or fighting. We say please and thank you while treating each other with respect. Always. Apparently, this is not the case in every household. It took a while for both girls to get used to the new rules. Every other Friday was a struggle to get out of old habits. The girls were so used to calling each other names and fighting, it was second nature. Shae stopped coming over as much soon after a meltdown about her cell phone at around 12. I think it was harder for Shae to adapt to the new rules since she had lived longer in a household with a bad marraige. She had also developed a very warped idea of who her father really was. Bailey, the peacemaker and 5 years younger, still came faithfully every weekend.

Bailey had been what I call the mini girl version of her father. She was always thinking about or doing something. When she was younger, I thought she was going to be the next Disney star. She could sing The Killers Mr. Brightside to a bar full of people without thinking twice. She wanted to do well in school even though her confidence to do so was not strong. This is My Bailey. Energetic, fearless, and ambitious. After two months of being separated from her, she came for the summer as her alter ego. I know she is a tween now and the separation from her dad has been difficult, but I didn't expect to lose My Bailey in just a few short months. My biggest fear is that she will altogether lose the loving, energetic, unique personality I have grown to love over the last 6 years.

The Beginning

I met my now husband about 6 years ago. It wasn't the smoothest pickup line I had ever heard, "Do you like oranges?", but that what was made me take notice. We dated for a little over four months before he proposed at Disney World (My first time ever having been there, and hopefully not last). Without hesitation, I said yes. I'm sure my family and friends thought I was crazy for moving so quickly into the engagement. I can't help but feel like they were disappointed and worried that I would never have any children of my own. (My husband had a vasectomy while he was married to his first wife.) It was very important to me the that his two girls (then 6 and 10) were comfortable with our relationship. As we were showing them the pictures of Disney they flipped through (and almost right past) the picture of Gary down on one knee, holding my hands, and looking right into my eyes. When we asked if they knew what that meant, Bailey said "EWW, GROSS!" while Shae's eyes got big and a smile slowly stretched accross her face as the significance of that pose set in. We had to explain to Bailey what was really going on in the picture (I am still not sure to this day what she first thought was going on). We asked them how they felt about it and if it was ok with them. We would have slowed down and given them more time if they needed or wanted it. Thankfully, they both got excited and felt as happy as we did.

This blog will describe a series of events throughout the past 6 years as well as current events that have shaped the relationships with my stepdaughters. As stated in the welcome message, this is a project with one of my stepdaughters. She will be posting her perspective on her page www.perfectstepdaughter.blogspot.com. I am thankful for the opportunity to work on projects with her that will last even after she returns to Michigan at the end of the summer.

Chicken Noodle Soup for the Stepdaughter's Soul

This following event is the inspiration for this blog.

It was supposed to be a quick trip to the grocery store. My husband, stepdaughter, and I went to the store to pick up what we needed for dinner. I had asked my 12 year old stepdaughter who has come to stay the summer with us if she needed anything for lunch over the next few days. She said she wanted chicken noodle soup. I knew she liked it because she had just devoured a bowl of it at Panera that afternoon. However, instead of just picking out a normal can of soup, she picks the most expensive can of soup (you know, the kind for the working adult 3 minute lunch break and costs twice as much as the regular can because of the "convenient packaging"). I gave her the "really" look. That's when the oh so familiar, "but, I" started. "but I love this kind" "but I've had this one before and really liked it" "but I WILL eat it". So, like many times before, I tried to pick my battles and reluctantly bought the soup.

A few days later, she wanted to have the soup and a hot pocket for dinner. She heated it up, eyed it wearily, and ate one spoonful. That's when I heard, "Uggh..I don't like it!" That's when the battle began. "Oh, no. You are going to eat it! You made a big scene and had to have it. So, now you can eat it." "But this has mini noodles..I don't like the mini noodles!" "Well you should have thought of that BEFORE you made a big deal at the store." Now, I know you are thinking.."Evil Stepmom strikes again!", but you haven't spent as much money on clothes, music, pens, etc as I have following the same pattern as the store incident as I have. So, not wanting her to miss the point again, I told her she had to have it, then she has to eat it. She sat for an hour playing with it with the same pouty face I have seen so many times when I didn't buy the object of her immediate obsession. Hoping she had learned her lesson, I sat down to talk to her about it. I asked what she had learned from all this, to which she replied, "Read the label next time". I told her that wasn't quite what I was getting at. The she smiled a wry smile and said in that 12 year old tone, "This isn't the first time I have had to do this with food I didn't want to eat." Frustrated, I told her that this method has not yet taught her the right lesson then and let her sit there 10 more minutes to think about it. When it came down to it, I told her the lesson was not to "but I" to get what you want and then through it away when you get it. She had to promise to accept my answer of "No" when an item is too expensive or unnecessary in exchange for dumping the soup down the disposal. Next time she wants an impractical item all I have to do is iay, "Remember the chicken noodle soup?"

Check out the other side of the story on Stepdaughters point of view